Because He Said So

The second I hit “post”, I will have conquered one of my greatest fears.  You see, I love to write.  I am going to school to be a Journalist.  One of my aspirations is to write a book… And yet, ironically, I am scared to death to share my writing. If I had it my way, it would be kept strictly to the confines of my journals. I can’t exactly explain why I’m so hesitant for other people to see it.  Perhaps, it has to do with the fact that I’m a perfectionist in this specific area and it is never good enough in my eyes.  Perhaps, it is that I feel I have nothing important to write about.  Or perhaps, it is that I fear how others will receive it. I don’t consider myself to be an insecure person, but for someone who regularly gets told that “before I got to know you, I thought you were stuck up” or “my first impression was that you weren’t very friendly”- I strived to live up to the only first impression I have left to offer.  And I had to give that up.  Why? Simply, because God said so.

I guess I was waiting for something monumental to take place in my life in order to write.  It was always, “Well, when I go to Africa… or when I have a career… or when I have a family… then I will have something important to write about.”  But that line of thinking derived from the misconception that my life’s importance revolves around what I do, where I go, and who I am.  That’s a whole lot of “I’s”! In reality, Christ is my worth and wherever I am in life- take for example, living with my parents and working at a coffee shop while attending community college- I can continue to learn and have the adventure of a lifetime as long as I am in the will of God.  Whatever I write is to be a testimony of His goodness, not mine.

      These past six months or so, God has been teaching me to embrace the unknown. No matter how elementary the principle, I need continually reminded that we walk by faith, not by sight.  I don’t know, maybe that’s why the Bible says, “Your Word is a lamp to my feet”: because often times, we can’t see more than one step ahead of where we’re at.  It is so like my God to ask me to jump off a cliff, only to provide wings after I’ve taken the leap.  I don’t know why He wants me to write or what He wants me to write about, but if He tells me to write, gosh darn it, I better write.  Not because I will be punished if I don’t, but because I will be blessed if I do.  So when He says, “Randi, get over yourself and write already”- in the kindest way possible, of course- I have to trust that even if not a single person reads or benefits from my ramblings, He knows best and will bless my obedience.